It’s funny how much one person can change someone’s life. I loved you. Not in a romantic sense at all, of course. We were best friends. But everything changed. You changed. It really hurts.

And it’s like I failed you.

Because maybe if I had paid more attention or said something sooner or spent more time with you… Maybe you’re hurting and maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I should have fixed it.

I wish we had talked in person instead. Maybe it was a tone of voice you thought I had. Maybe I was reading one into your words. But we couldn’t. Even so, you’re so different now. The person I knew wasn’t like this, and she didn’t handle things this way. She knew how to take care of everything when I didn’t. But most of all she was someone I trusted.

And that hurts too because I can’t trust you now. It probably doesn’t seem like it to you, but you broke my trust. It’s probably not for the reasons you think, either. It was actually the little things that happened over the course of those hours we argued. Because I’d forgiven everything else. I know you don’t think I did, but it’s true. What I said I said out of worry, and I’m sorry it didn’t seem that way and I’m sorry if it hurt you.

I wish I could say I’m certain of what I did, but I’m always thinking about it. About how maybe I screwed everything up. I wish I could say it doesn’t matter if you hate me, but it does. It still matters to me what you think. Because I still think maybe my friend will come back.

But everything is different now, and it’s killing me. My whole life is falling apart and you’ve been there for me through so much.

Now that you’re gone it’s like I’m tumbling through a hole in the safety net.

I’ll be okay in the end. I still have some people I trust, though that list seems to be getting shorter.. I worry about you still.

I miss the person you were.

I think maybe the only reason I have friends is because something in their lives has happened that is seriously fucked up. And I’m good at listening. And apparently at making people feel okay with themselves.

That’s great. Awesome. I’m proud of you guys.

I just wish I didn’t always feel so badly about myself.

You know what? Life really sucks. It just does. It just really does. And to be honest the only reason I have never self-harmed is because I view it as a sign of weakness.

I know I’m weak, but I don’t want anyone else to know that.

And it sounds strange, because it’s such a double standard. I don’t view the people who have as weak.

But if I were to do it…

I don’t know.

I don’t want to make anyone I care about worry either. I mean. They’ve had it rough enough without having to deal with my problems too. I don’t want them to.

I wish I could take it away from them. It’d be okay if I was the only one who had to hurt. but then, I might come to resent them… I don’t want that either. They’re beautiful.

They’re the only good I’ve got. Nothing I ever do is going to make me happy. I’m too much of a fuck up. But they are so wonderful. So fantastic in absolutely every way. Even when they screw up, they work so hard and always pull through so well. They’re incredible.

crogasmicc:

I’m pretty much the embodiment of everything I never wanted to be

because there is no reason to be pissed at you, I’m just being a child.

But I’m not going to confront the issue with you, because I know the real issue is with myself

and bringing it up with you will just start some drama

and I know that neither of us need that unnecessary shit

because no one on the planet needs it ever

so I’m just going to continue being pissed and childish

until I come to my senses and stop it.