It’s funny how much one person can change someone’s life. I loved you. Not in a romantic sense at all, of course. We were best friends. But everything changed. You changed. It really hurts.
And it’s like I failed you.
Because maybe if I had paid more attention or said something sooner or spent more time with you… Maybe you’re hurting and maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I should have fixed it.
I wish we had talked in person instead. Maybe it was a tone of voice you thought I had. Maybe I was reading one into your words. But we couldn’t. Even so, you’re so different now. The person I knew wasn’t like this, and she didn’t handle things this way. She knew how to take care of everything when I didn’t. But most of all she was someone I trusted.
And that hurts too because I can’t trust you now. It probably doesn’t seem like it to you, but you broke my trust. It’s probably not for the reasons you think, either. It was actually the little things that happened over the course of those hours we argued. Because I’d forgiven everything else. I know you don’t think I did, but it’s true. What I said I said out of worry, and I’m sorry it didn’t seem that way and I’m sorry if it hurt you.
I wish I could say I’m certain of what I did, but I’m always thinking about it. About how maybe I screwed everything up. I wish I could say it doesn’t matter if you hate me, but it does. It still matters to me what you think. Because I still think maybe my friend will come back.
But everything is different now, and it’s killing me. My whole life is falling apart and you’ve been there for me through so much.
Now that you’re gone it’s like I’m tumbling through a hole in the safety net.
I’ll be okay in the end. I still have some people I trust, though that list seems to be getting shorter.. I worry about you still.
I miss the person you were.