the flaming cranberry

It’s funny how much one person can change someone’s life. I loved you. Not in a romantic...

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 01:13:57 -0400

It’s funny how much one person can change someone’s life. I loved you. Not in a romantic sense at all, of course. We were best friends. But everything changed. You changed. It really hurts.

And it’s like I failed you.

Because maybe if I had paid more attention or said something sooner or spent more time with you… Maybe you’re hurting and maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I should have fixed it.

I wish we had talked in person instead. Maybe it was a tone of voice you thought I had. Maybe I was reading one into your words. But we couldn’t. Even so, you’re so different now. The person I knew wasn’t like this, and she didn’t handle things this way. She knew how to take care of everything when I didn’t. But most of all she was someone I trusted.

And that hurts too because I can’t trust you now. It probably doesn’t seem like it to you, but you broke my trust. It’s probably not for the reasons you think, either. It was actually the little things that happened over the course of those hours we argued. Because I’d forgiven everything else. I know you don’t think I did, but it’s true. What I said I said out of worry, and I’m sorry it didn’t seem that way and I’m sorry if it hurt you.

I wish I could say I’m certain of what I did, but I’m always thinking about it. About how maybe I screwed everything up. I wish I could say it doesn’t matter if you hate me, but it does. It still matters to me what you think. Because I still think maybe my friend will come back.

But everything is different now, and it’s killing me. My whole life is falling apart and you’ve been there for me through so much.

Now that you’re gone it’s like I’m tumbling through a hole in the safety net.

I’ll be okay in the end. I still have some people I trust, though that list seems to be getting shorter.. I worry about you still.

I miss the person you were.

I think maybe the only reason I have friends is because something in their lives has happened that...

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 03:30:35 -0400

I think maybe the only reason I have friends is because something in their lives has happened that is seriously fucked up. And I’m good at listening. And apparently at making people feel okay with themselves.

That’s great. Awesome. I’m proud of you guys.

I just wish I didn’t always feel so badly about myself.

You know what? Life really sucks. It just does. It just really does. And to be honest the only...

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 03:25:32 -0400

You know what? Life really sucks. It just does. It just really does. And to be honest the only reason I have never self-harmed is because I view it as a sign of weakness.

I know I’m weak, but I don’t want anyone else to know that.

And it sounds strange, because it’s such a double standard. I don’t view the people who have as weak.

But if I were to do it…

I don’t know.

I don’t want to make anyone I care about worry either. I mean. They’ve had it rough enough without having to deal with my problems too. I don’t want them to.

I wish I could take it away from them. It’d be okay if I was the only one who had to hurt. but then, I might come to resent them… I don’t want that either. They’re beautiful.

They’re the only good I’ve got. Nothing I ever do is going to make me happy. I’m too much of a fuck up. But they are so wonderful. So fantastic in absolutely every way. Even when they screw up, they work so hard and always pull through so well. They’re incredible.

crogasmicc: I’m pretty much the embodiment of everything I never wanted to be

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 04:25:58 -0400

crogasmicc:

I’m pretty much the embodiment of everything I never wanted to be

I'm pissed at you, but mostly at myself

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 04:24:24 -0400

because there is no reason to be pissed at you, I’m just being a child.

But I’m not going to confront the issue with you, because I know the real issue is with myself

and bringing it up with you will just start some drama

and I know that neither of us need that unnecessary shit

because no one on the planet needs it ever

so I’m just going to continue being pissed and childish

until I come to my senses and stop it.

Me: has a problem

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 04:16:19 -0400

Me: has a problem
Me: thinks about talking to someone about the problem
Me: looks at people available to talk to about said problem
said people: have their own problems/ probably will not care/ my problem will put too much stress on them
Me: nopes into the sun

THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 00:50:14 -0400

My kidneys are failing. I get it. Calm the fuck down, and stop treating me like I’m an idiot.

I understand what that means. I understand the severity of it.

It doesn’t mean I have to become a depressed zombie, okay? Just because I’m not moping around bemoaning my fate does not mean I don’t understand what’s going on.

You’re supposed to be a Christian too, so why is it so hard for you to believe that I have faith that everything will be okay? It’s how I get by, okay? It’s the only way I can. If I just sit here and say, “OH WOE IS ME! EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!” then I’ll never make it through this, okay?

Yeah. It’s fucking hard. Hard. Not impossible. And I can do this and I’m going to be okay, so why can’t you just back off? I made a comment. One stupid little comment.

“Everyone is freaking out about this more than I am. They need to calm down.”
“Or maybe they just understand how serious this is. Which you don’t seem to get.”

Oh.

My.

God.

Do you think I’m stupid? It’s not impossible for me to have faith in something, you know. Why can’t you just have faith in me once in a while.

General today-ness.

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 18:35:48 -0500

TODAY SUCKS BALLS. I started my period so I’m all crabby anyway and I can’t read squat because my eyes are screwing up and oh my goodness it is so frustrating. My vision keeps getting worse and honestly it’s freaking me out good lord. I need to go to the doctor or something. Ugh. I. hate. everything.

Today is one of those days theat I just want to punch everything in the face.

On the plus side I got a supersweet anon on my main blog. woo! At least I’m loved, even if my day’s been sucky.